The Adventures of Mid-Life Crisis Barry
by isaacluvzmudkipz
Summary: This is our story of how epic and mentally ruined 40 year old alcoholic Barry learns something that changes his miserable slightly obese life forever.
1. Prolapse

"AUEUUUGGHH Dawn i love you shit," Barry moaned into his e,pty beer can. "Fyck whers more". He got up from his sofe to go look for some more alcohol. Barry stumbled over his mom's clawed up sofa that folds out into a bed and yelled "FYCK MOM your stupid shinx's shit on the floor again!" Infernape pulled back it's gums and laughed at him for steppind in poo lol.

Poor Barry :( lived in his mommy's basement still. He was kinda chunky now lol inflation. He thought Dawn wouldn't mind, but she wass married. And defintiely not to him. "Stupid fucking Lucas… shouldn't have let him go to prom with her… I didn't know she would bget knocked up." He mused over this, deep in thought, amongst his many beer cans and old dorito bags. Idk. "Maybe I should just go back to playing team forretress two." His shit covered foot crunched on a beer can and he said " oh haha yeah… drank".

Ten minutes went by of looking for a new drink and then he started to angrily shake his mother's filing cabinet. "Gimme beer goddamnit i know i had more… stupid monkei probably drank it" Some papers fell out into a pool of beer. "OH Look MORE!" Barry dropped on his nees to sukc the beer off the ground and noticed "ADOPTION" across the top of a paper soaked in the golden dew. For just a moment behind clouded eyes, he decided to try to make out the words. "Barney… no… barly… no… Broady… no… BARRY? Adoption of BARRY? BIOLOGICAL MOTHER CYNTHIA?" at that moment barry promptly emptied his beer gut onto the floor. "JJREIGHSEJAEFHJAKKETHKAR- hhh… hhh…. Fuck… cynthia… i gotta… gotta find my mommy..." And then Barry colapsed in his vomit.


	2. Conception

After his mom made him take a shower, Barry grabbed a couple pokeballs. Of course leaving stupid monkey/infernape at home. Why did he even pick that garbage starter? Anyways, he took his staraptor, floatzel and best bro snorlax. And then he was off to the pokemon league… kind of.

HAha Barry is a big boye= so his staraptor could hardly handle the weight. Staraptor made it until Sunyshore city before they had to crash land. Barry tried to call the stupid bird into his pokeball, but it wouldn't go. "Oh trying to play dead you stupid shit? That;s the last time I givee you supper." Staraptor fucking died. A couple of pelipper pulled up to pick at it's carcass, but barry was too busy waddling away.

Barry sent his floatzel into the water and motioned as if he was going to use surf. But the otter pokemon started to bark in fear. A pelipper fucking swallowed Staraptor whole and was choking.

"HEY put staraptor down!" It was pokeomn battle time!

Barry jumped on the pelipper and started to attempt the heimlich maneuver, but only managed to suffocate the pokemon worse. "KDKFGEFJDJGSDKFJ... PELI-SDNDFSBF," it cried. Eventually pelipper fainted from lack of good old O2 B)

"Fine if your'e going to eat my fucking staraptor, you're the new flying type," and with that he threw his balls. Well the pelipper probably wished that would be an honor. But he just threw a shitty pokeball, he's too broke to afford more. Still caught it tho.

Barry hopped onto his floatzel and pretty much forgot any of that happened. Unfortunately pelipper survived. Floatzel struggelds to keep the two of them alive. Let's face it, Barry was only good in the battle tower and now he;s pretty rusty. When Barry made it to the pokemon center before victory road, the 1,000,000th nurse joy was absolutely appauled at how fucking rancid he was. Not only him but he literally brought her a dying pelipper with a dead body stuck in its throat.

"Mew Christ don't you have any shame," she shouted at him as he plundered their help pantry for free food.

"Shame?" He looked at her somewhat cross-eyed, "Lady wtf does that even mean. Is that an SAT word or something?" He promptly shoved a whole half a sandwich in his mouth.

↜ _FANCY TIME PASS↝_

Barry finally made it to the Elite Four. His pokemon were pummled. He lost pelipper somewhere in the cave and didn't even look back. Staraptor was alive now though, but he has to wear a cone because his ass is missing feathers. TLDR they were fucked up beyond belief.

Barry crawled up to the top. I mean did you really think he had any strength in his legs. He hasn't moved this much since that reform boot camp his parents sent him to (and he was kicked out of). That's wahy he's so fucking fat. Once he got his hands on some adderall suddenly the urge to bounce melted away.

He crawled into the league's pokemon center. Where multiple people rushed to his aid. "Good arceus sir you look gastly haha," and well he smelled like shit too. Honestly he may and or may not have shit himseld back when a golbat jumped him in victory road.

"Mommy… I WANT MY FUCKING MOMMY WHERE IS CYNTHIA!"

All of the workers backed away. One even started to dial 911. But then out from one of his shit stained pockets, Barry pulled his adoption papers. And very clearly, as a gloved nurse joy found at closer inspection, the champion Cynthia was most definitely Barry's biological mom.

Barry was given a change of clothes and a shower. The clothes were just a bit too tight. But at least he wasn't completely fucking disgusting. And the workers went to fetch cynthia. As Barry paced around his hospitalized pokemon, Cynthia made an appearance.

"Barry… Oh Arceus… Barry..?"

TILL NEXT TIME XD


	3. Remorse

Cynthia walked in. Titties blowing in the wind magistically. "Barry… Uh… What are you doing here?"

It was at this point that Barry reached Anger… somehow after already fully accepting the millionare milf as his mother.

"When I cam to battle you as a kid you said nothing to me! Why didn't you say you were my mommy?" He screemed and threw his papers on the ground.

"Mommy..? Barry… You're like what 40 now?" She gingerly picked up the adoption papers, "Is this… piss?" Cynthia shook her mf hade. "Listen, yeah. I've had a lot of kids over my… let's call it lengthy? Yeah that sounds good… uh Life. You were just one. A girl has needs."

Cynthia gulped, "Guards clear everybody away. I need a moment with my… son."

Barry tearfully looked up and sniffled like a little kid. "What. What more could you have to-"

Cynthia grabbed a hold of his collar, "Listen, you neckbeard piece of shit. I was on crack and you were a fucking mistake. I had you, I did my time, and I am never going back to a place like that. I didn't want updates on you, I didn't want to see you… In fact I thought you were too fucked in the head to even make it here, but that girl Dawn with the Giratina…"

Barry was looking at her cross-eyed. Completely zoning out. "It feels so nice when you hold me, mom. Tell me more about Dawn..."

"Save it, kid. I'm just the person that birthed you. Your real mom is at home in Twinleaf waiting for you. She's probably worried sick." Cynthia turned to walk away, "Oh and… be careful when you eat. Your teeth are probably still brittle as hell."

"Ok, mommy."

And with that, our hero Barry headed home to the only person who wanted him… until he met our next hero that is… DUN DUN DUNNNN OwO


	4. Indigestion

At this point it has been two weeks since Barry found out he was an adopted crackbaby. He is mostly, and has been since he was like 30 tbh i mean, completely mentally ruined. He still spied on Dawn and Lucas nextdoor and obsessed over getting his gf/waifu back. It didn't matter how many times Lucas called the police, he still wanted a piece of that sweet cake.

But something was different when he actually surfaced from the Barry-cave with monkei too look. He saw a girl with a body just like dawn's back when her and that blasted Lucas first got together. Except she wore all black clothes. Her hair was a clorox white and her eyes were blue like tide pods. Her skirt had delicate red trimmings that spelled out the word "NASTY" across the ass. Said skirt rode up a bit to reveal… the most beautiful scarlet g string. Her legs were mildly unshaven. Like maybe she hadn't done it for a couple days. I mean what do girl legs even look like normally? Barry hardly knew.

Before Barry could process any further she was right in his face. "Uh siw? What awe yew stawin at?" That's when Barry noticed- "And horns… You have horns…"

The girl giggled, "Yeaw mistew… I am pwetty howny. My name is-" Barry cut her off, "Dusk. You are Dusk and you're my new big titty waifu."

Dusk frowned, "No, I'm-"

Dawn screamed out, "Hey! Get away from that guy! C'mon you don't have much time with us and watch out he's a creep." Dawn stomped inside of her house. Dusk turned her head and pouted, "No faiw… Nobody has evew called me theiw w-waifu befowe… Q^Q"

Barry said with rather putrid breath, "It's ok my sweet… You can go for now. Just come back to me," And with that he gave her the most awkward kiss the world was ever displeasured to witness. Even infernape who was just a second ago smelling his fingers after a good ass scratch promptly vomited over the balcony. What an iconic duo.

The end… for now...


End file.
